It’s the first week of September. Most children have been back in school for a week or two (and even three). They are settling into routines, probably have a stain or two on their new school clothes, and have a pretty good idea of what their year will look like. For many, this is a relatively positive experience – new friends, new challenges, and new things to learn are all in store for them. For other children, it’s a very different experience.
In my many years as an educator and family coach, I have seen a pattern in the excitement of the back-to-school month every year. By the 3rd or 4th week, my phone and email start to fill with worried messages from parents. At Sego Lily School, the calls for tours seem to peak at the end of September as disappointment and frustration set in. We live in a culture that tells us that the one-size-fits-all school system will find a way to meet our child’s needs, but it simply isn’t true. There are as many reasons for this as there are children who aren’t thriving, but only a few ways to make things work for our families.
Below are the most common reasons that children aren’t doing well in school, as well as some possible ways to address the problems.
1 – Your child needs time to adjust.
Some children embrace newness like a big, fluffy teddy bear – they rush in for a hug and never let go. Others need more time and support to try new things. If your child is just entering school or transitioning to a different kind of environment such as going into Junior High, or even working with a different kind of teacher, they may need a longer transition period.
It can be tempting to rush to make a change, but if your child isn’t truly suffering, give it some time. Talk about what they like and don’t like, and support them in making changes if possible. Sometimes that’s as simple as adjusting the morning routine or telling your first grader’s teacher that they won’t be doing homework in the evenings (yes, you can opt out of homework, but that’s a whole different blog post!).
2 – Your child is bored.
There are so many bright children who sit through class with glazed expressions because they already know the content, or because it is being presented in such an uninteresting way. Your child may need more of a challenge. Some teachers are great about working with their more advanced students, creating self-led projects for the children to engage in, and your school may have a program for gifted or advanced learners if that applies. You may find a need to help your child find relevance in the content they are studying – relevance beyond knowing this for the next test.
I generally don’t advise moving children up in grades (i.e. skipping kindergarten because they already know how to read) because it makes things more difficult socially, but if your child isn’t getting the challenge they need, it may be time to find a different way to move forward with their education. This could look like a charter school, private school, or home-schooling. Of course, not everyone has the financial resources to make those choices viable (charter schools however are free), so it may take more creativity on your part to find another option.
3 – Your child is struggling to keep up.
On the other end of the spectrum are those children who, for whatever reason, are having a hard time understanding the content or keeping up with the rest of the class. If your child is in a public school, you have a right to have them assessed for learning disabilities or other cognitive issues that may be at the root of the problem.
You also have the right to request an IEP – Individualized Learning Plan – that puts services in place to help address those issues. One word of caution is that this often includes more direct instruction and that can take away from time your child enjoys. My step-son used to miss art every day for extra reading instruction, and art was his favorite part of school! We were able to advocate for a time-change in his schedule that allowed him to still paint and get the reading help he needed. It’s an unfortunate reality that many children falls through the gaps though – they don’t meet the requirements for getting the extra support, but still can’t quite do the work.
Again, a new place or way of schooling might be the direction to look. Even small steps like finding computer games geared towards teaching the skills your child is lacking can help them feel successful when school isn’t going well.
4 – Your child has anxiety or another diagnosis.
This is a big one. Sometimes, at the root of anxiety is a bully that needs to be dealt with (a complex issue for sure), or big life changes at home that take some time to process such as divorce, adding a new sibling, a death in the family, etc. Quite often the anxiety is more generalized and your child needs to learn coping skills that can help them navigate school and life more powerfully.
Beyond anxiety are issues like depression, PTSD, ADHD, SPD and of course the growing number of children on the autism spectrum. The unfortunate truth is that the majority of teachers are not trained to support students with any of these diagnoses, and the number of available school counselors and psychologists is insufficient. There are schools and programs designed for children with all kinds of unique needs, but there is also a growing demand for these programs, and of course the cost can often be prohibitive.
So what is a parent of a child with unique needs to do when school isn’t working? This is honestly a difficult question to answer quickly because again, there are as many answers as there are children. The most useful advice is to create a community in which your child’s needs are both addressed AND seen as gifts rather than burdens.
This means finding:
- a school in which the adults and children are accepting of your child
- a support team (teachers, administrators, other professionals and friends) who understand your child’s needs and can work with them to expand their capacities
- a home environment that meets your child’s needs, including quiet spaces, sensory support appropriate to your child and their age, clear consistent boundaries, and a feeling of safety (both physical and emotional)
- a therapist, counselor, or family coach who can help your entire family with strategies and support
That may sound like a simple list and an impossible task, because it is simple, but it isn’t always easy. Changing schools isn’t in the cards for most families, which means that the burden falls mostly on you and creating a supportive home environment.
Fortunately, there are many professionals who work with families and children who can be a key member of your support team, and many (including myself) work on a sliding fee scale if needed. There is also a wealth of information out there for families who need help creating the best possible home environment to help children thrive outside of school. I’ve linked a few of my favorites below.
Perhaps one day our schools will catch up with the need for more student directed education based on the needs of each child. Until that time, let’s work together to do what we can to give our children the best life possible!
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