In a perfect world, parents would never get divorced. In an ideal world, divorced parents would be able to agree on every decision involving their children. In the real world, divorced parents fight over money and children more than anything else. How do we resolve those disagreements when we are dealing with a person with who we disagreed with so much that we decided to end our marriage?

First and foremost, the question to ask yourself in any parenting disagreement is, “What is best for the child in this situation?” Often, we are still dealing with our own unresolved anger, hurt, betrayal, and other emotions. As a result, many of the co-parenting disagreements we see have little to do with children and much more to do with “winning” an argument with your former spouse. When you really look at the situation at hand, what does your child need? Is this an argument you can let go of or does it need to be discussed?

Assuming your concern is valid and needs to be resolved, how can we do that with someone with whom we so obviously disagree? The hard reality is that in many ways, each parent will choose to do things differently in their home. They have the right to do so, within reason. There are times when we need to agree to disagree and move on. However, there are also times that we need to have a conversation and come to a workable agreement. Here are a few tips:

·         Come into the conversation with an open mind. While you think you already know how your former spouse will respond, allow them to surprise you! Be open to hearing and understanding a different opinion and even a different set of facts.

·         If needed, have a third party there to help mediate. This could be a trusted friend or a paid professional, and it needs to be someone that both parties feel safe with. Make sure this person won’t choose sides and will ensure each individual gets heard.

·         Present facts with care. While our opinions are valid and important, we also need to look at reality. If you are talking about bedtimes, do some research about how much sleep children need at different ages. If you are discussing school programs, know the details of each potential program, and how they might benefit your child.

·         Keep the child at the center of the conversation. Most parents are invested in doing what’s best for their children. Knowing what they want and need, and keeping the focus on those needs, keeps the conversation from spiraling into an argument about who is right.

What do we do when we can’t come to an agreement? Sometimes, for many reasons, there is no way to negotiate and have everyone on the same page. Seed and Sew discussed this in a recent social media post about having your partner understand the approach to emotional intelligence that they teach:

·         NOTICE your desire to control your partner’s relationship with your child

·         ALLOW them to parent differently than you do (as long as your child is safe)

·         REGULATE your reaction to their response to your child (in other words, don’t shame the other parent when you wanted them to react in a different way)

·         HOLD SPACE for your child if they need a safe place to break down

·         RELEASE the responsibility for anyone’s actions outside of your own

You may not like the way your former spouse chooses to parent, but you are not responsible for it. So long as your child is safe, differences in parenting can be an opportunity for your children to learn to be adaptable. Using these differences to teach your children is more useful than fighting battles with your former spouse. Explaining to your children that their parents don’t agree, and that’s OK can give them a safe space to talk through their feelings about the differences in their homes.

In rare cases, disputes may need to go through professional mediation, or even back to court. While this is unfortunate, it is also sometimes the case when parents cannot negotiate together. At these times it is important that you feel supported by whoever is mediating. Having a trusted friend to whom you can “vent” and share your challenges is also a good idea. It’s still critical to center your child’s needs in these times, and whenever possible keep your emotional responses to spaces where they can be heard and processed.

To summarize, it can be difficult to navigate parenting issues with a former spouse. If you remember to only fight battles worth fighting, use facts in your reasoning, and remain compassionate with your children you can create homes where your children can thrive. Remember to take care of yourself if these discussions get hard, and talk to people whose opinions you trust. You may not always be able to come to an agreement, but your children will learn from their experiences. Keep them safe, give the other parent leeway where you can, and center your kids in the conversations!

Schedule Your Free Consultation If You and Your Family Need Support After a Divorce >