I recently found myself on one of those frustrating Google searches, during which you find yourself thinking “SOMEONE must have written SOMETHING about this topic!” Alas, after an hour, I was left frustrated and article-less, but also inspired to write the piece myself. This blog is the result of that search.
The Difference Between Rules for Your Children & Rules Created With Your Children
All I wanted was to find a simple article that included strategies on how to create rules with your children that would get the whole household on the same page. The problem was that as many well-written and well-meaning articles as they were, they were all focused on writing rules FOR your children, not WITH them.
Several include steps to get your kid son board with the rules you (parents) create, but not one author that I could find mentioned sitting down and creating rules together as a family. Even this article, which mentions that children as young as three can effectively help make rules, doesn’t give any advice about how to go about this.
The primary issue most of these writers seemed to be facing was that it is important for adults to create a space of safety and predictability for children. While that is true, it is also true that most children know what needs to happen and not happen for their homes to feel safe. Unless your child is non-verbal, they probably have amazing things to say about how your family can work together. As a result of my frustration, I’m writing my five guidelines to involving children in making household rules. I’d love to hear from anyone who tries this with your own kids!
Side note: I found THIS ARTICLE about an experiment done by 3 families to let their children make all the rules for a set time. In each family, kids made up rules such as ‘eat sweets all day’ and ‘no bedtimes.’ While these are obviously unsustainable, each adult learned things about their children that were important. Many rules created by the children involved spending more time together as a family, and parents learned that their children’s perceptions of life are in many ways enlightening to hear.
5 Ways to Establish Rules With Your Children
1. Be sure you are clear about your own boundaries
Everyone has a few non-negotiable boundaries that they will bring to the table in a discussion about family rules. You may have religious rules you follow that don’t allow certain foods in your home, or medical issues that require things to be handled a certain way. However, I have noticed that too often when I ask a parent or care-giver WHY they are intent on things being a certain way, their answer tends to be either rooted in fear or they don’t actually have an answer.
Years ago I read an amazing set of articles that led me to a brilliant discovery: if I can’t truly explain why I need to say no to my children, I might need to be saying yes. Many of our no answers stem from our own childhood experiences – I didn’t get to run barefoot in the rain, so my children can’t either. Honoring our children’s wishes and desires is rarely the wrong choice. Before you sit down to talk with children about creating rules, take a look at your own non-negotiable boundaries. Then, be willing to say YES to something that might feel a bit uncomfortable but isn’t actually harmful.
2. Set a special time to have a rule-making party
If you ask most children if they want to talk about rules, the answer will probably be no. If, however, you say that you’re going to have a rule-making party and everyone gets to help, you’ll likely get a different answer. Don’t make anything at this party too distracting though – if ice cream sundaes become the focus, you’ll likely not get much accomplished.
3. Make every voice heard
You may first need to work together to set some ground rules, such as taking turns talking, responding to ideas with kindness, and everyone must agree on the final version of a rule. If you have a wide range of ages with your children, you may find that some rules need to apply only to certain household members or that there are two versions of a rule. In any case, ensure that each person not only gets to express their ideas, but that those ideas get included in the final product.
4. Accept any idea, no matter how ‘crazy’
Your children may have big ideas such as the ‘candy all the time’ rule suggested in the article mentioned above. To be clear, when I say ACCEPT the idea, I am not implying that you need to make it a rule! After all, it’s important that everyone is on board with the final product, and that includes the adults involved.
Accepting the idea can sound like saying “You want to have candy all the time. I bet that sounds like fun! I want to make sure you are eating healthy food, so how can we compromise?” You can have the same kinds of conversations if rules like ‘no bedtime’ or ‘no cleaning’ get suggested. On the flip side, if a child suggests something that feels impossible, such as ‘no arguing’ when your family has a tendency to argue, run with it! It may feel like an impossible standard to set, but my requesting the ideal version, you will likely find a big decrease in the unwanted behavior.
5. Be ready to re-visit these rules
When you make your rules, it’s a good idea to set a deadline for how long they are going to be followed, which is also a set date to sit down and look at what’s working and what isn’t. This can be anywhere from a few days to a month depending on the age of your children, how difficult following the new rules will be, and how outside of the ‘norm’ the new rules are for your family.
When it’s time to review, be open to making changes you didn’t expect. Bedtimes might get negotiated up or down, depending on how a child is feeling. Rules that seemed important may now feel irrelevant, and you may have noticed something big missing from the rules that got created. It’s a good idea to have regular sit-downs to review rules as needed. Finally, make sure to celebrate what’s going well! Acknowledge what family members are doing, how things have improved, and what you appreciate.
When you’ve created rules, don’t forget to post them in your home. Younger children may need picture reminders to help them, and it can be fun to ask them what kind of image should go with a rule. When everyone is on the same page, everyone can win! Have fun with these rules, and enjoy working together to create an environment that works for everyone.
Bonus: 6. Avoid setting consequences for these rules
One thing my husband often asks me is “but what’s the consequence if they don’t follow the rules?” There are three main reasons that I stay away from rigid, written consequences for household rules.
First, we all make mistakes. If you say that forgetting to put your shoes away equals 5 minutes extra chores, there is no room to NOT assign extra chores for the occasional slip-up.
Second, I prefer to stick with natural consequences whenever possible (more about that in next week’s blog), and natural consequences happen without us needing to do anything.
And third, in most instances family rules apply to EVERYONE – I know I wouldn’t want my family members assigning me extra chores because I forgot to do something, and I am certain my husband wouldn’t like it either! If the rules apply to everyone, the consequences need to apply equally as well. Unless you are willing to take on the consequences yourself, leave them out of the equation. It quickly turns into a scenario of “do this OR ELSE” rather than a family working together to make life work.
If you are looking for more strategies, more support, or more tools to help empower your children, and your family dynamics please contact us at 385-347-0805 to learn more about how our coaching and counseling programs can help.
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