Lights! Gifts! Food! Family! Traditions! There is so much to celebrate during the holidays and so many opportunities for meltdowns. Not just meltdowns from the children, either – many adults find this time of year to be overwhelming. When we add in the stresses of dealing with a former spouse and their family, holidays can lose their excitement pretty quickly.
Most divorced parents have agreements that clearly define which holidays are to be spent with each parent or how they will be divided. This eases the burden of making some of the needed decisions each year. With a little bit of communication and partnership it’s possible to ease the holiday stresses and allow the magic of the season to flow. Here are a few tips to help!
1. Respect Traditions.
Parents often have specific traditions that are important to them. Lighting Chanukah candles, attending midnight mass, Thanksgiving at Grandma’s – the examples could go on. The important thing is to understand which rituals are most important to you and to your former spouse, and to accommodate those events as much as possible. Allowing one another to take extra time with the children to attend these events is a gift you give to your children.
2. Communicate About Gifts.
It might seem impossible, but if you can work together around presents you will have a happier child and less chance for drama. When you know what your child is asking for, talk to each other about how to make that happen. Can you split the cost on a larger gift? Do you divide the list and fulfill all of their wishes? Is one parent able to buy the guitar, while the other buys an amp, some strings, and a case? What helps most is not buying the same thing, or ending up with resentment of the other parent who purchased something you can’t afford. If you can find ways to work together your child will likely get some of what they want while seeing their parents cooperate.
3. Don’t Rush From Event to Event.
It can be tempting to make sure children are included in both parent’s parties and celebrations, but this is usually too much for children. Going from Grandma’s house to Aunt Lisa’s house with no time between to rest and rejuvenate is tiring for adults – imagine the child who is being asked to attend 3-4 different celebrations on Christmas Day so that both parents can share the time with them. You may have to give up having your child at a Thanksgiving dinner this year so that they can attend a different party and then go home to rest. Find a reasonable balance for everyone involved.
4. Make Drop-Offs Work for Everyone.
You may not be ready to see your former father-in-law, and that’s OK! If you are asked to bring your children to Grandpa’s house rather than your usual exchange point, you are allowed to make arrangements that feel safe for you. Having the other parent come outside, or meeting you at a different nearby location is not unreasonable! You should also be prepared to have gifts taken with the children – they will want to keep playing with the new doll or truck even when it’s time to go to Mom’s house. Make requests as needed to ensure that items are returned at the next transition.
5. Accept the New Normal.
You probably didn’t have children hoping that one day you could spend Christmas Eve alone – and yet, you may now find yourself doing just that. Find something that you can do to make the night special for yourself – dinner with friends, a Christmas movie marathon, or ordering delivery for dinner. It’s OK to feel sad about not having your children home, but it is also healthy to find ways to allow them to enjoy the holidays without suffering. Talk to a trusted friend about your sadness while looking forward to the next time you will have together.
Co-parenting through the holidays doesn’t have to be stressful. If you can find ways to work together you can still experience the joys of the season. Whichever holidays you celebrate, find new ways to enjoy them with or without your children. Honor one another and your kids will be able to celebrate with you both! Reach out to us here if you have any questions or need to schedule a Free Consultation.
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