Mom’s house, Dad’s house (or Mom & Mommy’s houses, Dad & Daddy’s houses)… it’s the way we speak about the different places children live after divorce. What often gets missed is that the children don’t really feel like they have a home – after all, it’s mom’s house, not mine.
How do we create home environments with our children so that they feel ownership and belonging in both places? One key factor is having consistent rules and guidelines in both homes so that children don’t have to adapt to each space when they change locations. If you have the kind of co-parenting relationship in which you can negotiate these things together, here is a quick list of topics to discuss.
• Bedtimes: Especially for younger children, it is imperative that bedtime remains consistent. As children get older this is less important, though a generally similar routine will help keep everyone sane.
• Rules: Divorced parents rarely will agree on every rule in the house, but the more similarities you create, the less the children need to adapt and remember in each home. Having similar chores, similar guidelines for homework or screen time, and similar expectations in each house makes it easier for the child to know what is expected.
• Clothing: Parents often struggle with buying new clothing for their child, only to have it all left at the other parent’s house. While this is frustrating, it also allows for children to have autonomy over their wardrobe, which gives them a sense of self-expression and independence. A general rule of thumb that often works is that the child has a full range of clothing at each home. This way they are not packing things back and forth. Since they arrive in one set of clothing and leave in one set, there will always be ample clothing at each location. If something MUST stay in your home (say a new shirt for a special occasion) simply make sure that one isn’t worn when the child is leaving.
• Special items: Another common challenge is special items that the child needs, such as a favorite blanket or stuffed animal. This one can be hard when the child is not old enough to be responsible for taking it back and forth. If you can create a special item for each location you will avoid a lot of bedtime meltdowns! If not, this is something parents will need to make special effort to ensure it is taken to each home when it is time to switch locations.
• Toys and other items: Sometimes the easiest thing to do in this area is to have duplicates in each home. If your child LOVES Lego it will be almost impossible to bring them back and forth while ensuring that pieces don’t get lost. Having a bucket of bricks in each home is much easier. Likewise if an older child plays console games and each parent can afford it, it’s better to have a console in each home while taking discs back and forth if needed.
A trap divorced parents fall into is, “I paid for that, it belongs here.” While it is important to recognize that a financial investment can be significant, it is also important to recognize that your child needs to feel ownership over their belongings as well. Quelling your frustration that all of the good pants seem to be at mom’s house now – and making a request to have them sent back on the next transfer – will give your child a sense of peace between their parents. Your children need that peace after divorce – and you deserve it too!
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