One of the most commonly used discipline tools is a “Time Out” – a few moments for the child to calm down, get out of the middle of a stressful situation, and ‘think about what they have done.’
On the surface this seems like a good idea. Even adults need to take ourselves away from arguments and chaos sometimes, to take a few breaths before we continue.
The problem with “Time Out”, however, is that young children lack the developmental capacities needed for it to be effective. The message sent to the child in the corner is that they are being sent away from the rest of the family or class because their behavior is unacceptable.
While that may be true, young children also lack the capacity to distinguish between a behavior being bad, and they themselves being a bad person. They also don’t have the ability to ‘think about what they have done’ – if they had the capacity to problem solve and know better ways to handle the situation that occurred, they would have done so. In fact, when we isolate children in this way, we take them away from the people they need to help them calm down, and to support them in creating better solutions going forward.
Using the TIME IN Approach:
A more effective approach is a Time IN.
In practice, this looks like we are still taking the child out of the stressful situation. However, until they learn to manage the Time In on their own, we are taking the moment with them. It isn’t about being punished or isolated, but instead it becomes about learning ways to self-regulate so that we can then move on to developing problem solving skills, resolving the problem, and making amends.
There are many ways to create a Time In space with your children, but the easiest is to have a dedicated space where your child can feel safe and begin to feel calm. Rather than a ‘time out chair’ or a ‘naughty step’, a Time In corner is a place your child would want to be (and often children will begin to gravitate towards it before a melt-down occurs!).
Creating a Time In Corner as a Safe Space to Decompress
The space should be physically comfortable, with items like a large stuffed animal, bean bag, or blanket, and should include calming activities such as coloring materials, fidget spinners, books, and sensory bottles. The objects you choose will depend on your child’s age and likes, but each activity should help promote calm and focus. A timer is also a great idea, especially if your child is older than 4 or so and may need to spend a longer time in the area before being ready to move on.
Transitioning From Time Out to Time In Can Be Challenging
Your child may see this as a new form of punishment. That is why the first few times you use a Time In area, you will need to work with your child. It’s best to talk about it before-hand, and even involve your children in creating the area if you can. Emphasize that you want to do things differently, and you want to help them.
When an issue comes up, such as a melt-down, simply guide your child (or carry them if they are little and willing to be held) to the area, set a timer for 5 minutes and get started. Begin by identifying how your child is feeling, then give them a couple of choices of activities. They may want to sit in your lap and cry, or read a book together, or play with one of the special toys.
When the timer goes off, or when you can see your child is calm, clean up together and then move on to talking about what happened, what they need now, and how they might handle things differently in the future.
Common Questions & Concerns About Shifting to a Time In
Isn’t this just rewarding bad behavior?
Not at all! When our children act out, they do so because they have an unmet need. If the unmet need is your attention, and you isolate them in time out, you are intensifying the need. In addition, you cannot solve problems with a child who is melting down or upset. Giving them tools to help them calm down will decrease the number of melt-downs and increase their self-confidence over time.
Will I have to sit with them every time?
No, though you may have to sit with them every time for a while. As you repeat the process with your child, they will learn to take Time Ins on their own, even setting their own timer or suggesting ideas to add to the Time In area. It gets easier over time.
Should my child stay in the area for a predetermined time?
Not necessarily, though some families find a timer to be helpful. Some of the activities for calming down can’t be done in a small corner, such as getting a drink of water or doing something active to work out energy like running in the yard. The most important part of the “corner” is to be a safe space with options for calm activities.
How can I get started?
If the idea of doing this on your own seems like too much, Generation Mindful sells a “Time In Toolkit” that comes with posters, a great guide for parents, and cards that can be used to teach your child about emotions. You can also find great ideas for Time In activities and free printables on Pinterest. With younger children, the visuals that show faces of different emotions are useful for identifying how they feel. Pictures of the things they can do are also helpful.
Use the Time In Approach to Help Regulate Emotions in a Healthy Way
However you choose to design your Time In activities and space, the most important thing is to pinpoint emotions and provide ways that your child can calm themselves. As they learn what is most helpful in different situations, they will naturally gravitate towards using these tools. Using hard moments as teachable moments not only gives our children opportunities to learn, but it allows for connection with us that creates a stable base from which to do so.
Have a great Time In corner in your home? We would love to see it! Post a picture in the comments so we can celebrate with you! If you are looking for more support with Positive Parenting, Schedule a FREE Consultation with Dr. Jen Today.
You can also read our other blog posts on Positive Parenting Strategies including Punishment vs Discipline, Understanding Consequences, and More Here.
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