We all argue. It comes with the reality of being a human in a relationship with other humans. If I asked you why you argue with your spouse, partner, children, co-workers, etc, you would likely have a ready answer about the content of the arguments. You argue with your spouse over money issues, you argue with your children about the messes they leave around the house, you argue with your co-workers about missed deadlines… We all know what we argue ABOUT, but do we know why we argue in the first place?
Jerry Manney attempts to answer this question in his new book Why We Argue and How to Stop: A therapist’s Guide to Navigating Disagreements, Managing Emotions, and Creating Healthier Relationships (TCK Publishing, 2022). The simplest answer is that we argue to be right, to prove a point, and to make ourselves heard. Of course, his longer answer is more complex, but most of the reasons seem to boil down to these few simple motivations. As he explains throughout the book, however, we do so at the cost of having fulfilling relationships with the people in our lives. By learning a few key skills, we can avoid arguments and have more productive communication in our lives.
Manney’s book does contain a lot of great advice and ideas, including clear examples that the reader can apply to their own life. He pulls from many experienced sources in human behavior and each element of the book is an opportunity to reflect and shift one’s behavior or language. In fact, he has organized the book with journaling prompts for just this purpose. He invites the reader to really look at what gets in the way of effective communication – not in general, but in the specifics, the reader is encountering. The book could easily be modified into a workbook formula, allowing for even more reflection.
Some highlights from the content:
- You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to – this is an old saying, but it is so true! Remember that just because someone tries to start an argument does not mean that you need to join in!
- Shift your language – Manney gives many different examples of ways we can use language to take responsibility, reframe problems, and validate others.
- Listen to Learn – really try to hear what the other person is attempting to communicate, even if they can’t say it clearly. Hearing the underlying meaning and checking in to make sure you got it right leaves the other person feeling understood. Once we feel that someone hears and understands us, real communication can begin!
Even though it’s stated in the introduction, I think it bears repeating that there is a LOT in this book. It would be almost impossible to read through this book once and absorb all of the potential tools and techniques, much less master them and put them to work! Why We Argue is a wonderful resource to keep on your bookshelf as you work with a few tools at a time, coming back to reflect on more of them as you become more practiced. It could also become a great tool for group counseling, using a section or two at a time as talking points and ideas to take out into life for the week. Overall, this is definitely worth a read!
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