“Be Kind, Don’t Panic, and Have Faith.” This is the simple seven-word formula used by Dr. Bruce Chalmer in his work as a couples’ therapist. Spoiler alert: it really does take the whole book to examine what this truly means, but it’s a worthwhile examination that will have you looking at any issues you are facing in your relationship in new ways.
In Reigniting the Spark, Chalmer uses clear examples of struggles that couples face – such as infidelity, loss of intimacy, and problems in their sex lives – to illuminate the ways in which our desire for stability and our desire for intimacy are at odds with each other. We want to have relationships that we can depend on, but we also want the excitement and anxiety produced by intimacy. While this could be a recipe for disaster, he outlines the ways that healthy couples can balance these two extremes in satisfying ways.
Perhaps most useful is each chapter’s Reflection Questions, through which Chalmer invites us to move beyond a theoretical understanding of the concepts he shares, into a personal examination of our experiences and ideals. Questions such as “How often did you observe parents resolving conflicts?” and Thinking about a time when you wanted to bring something up with your partner and were afraid to do so, “How did you manage to tolerate that anxiety? How did that conversation go?” allow each reader to reflect on the ways they have handled things in the past, as well as ways they might handle similar issues in the future.
A word to those who, like me, bristle at words like “Faith”, this book is not religious in nature (though Chalmer is up front about his Jewish heritage and references both Christian and Jewish teachings). Faith, in this sense, is about trust and acceptance. In my own work with couples I find that sometimes, in the beginnings of working through difficulties, the only thing they can have faith in is me, and my promise that I am there to help. As we work together they can turn more and more towards having faith in one another and in the relationship itself. As long as they can also remember to be kind to one another – and themselves! – and not panic, we can work together through the stresses that relationships bring.
Reigniting the Spark is a wonderful exploration for any couple wanting to move out of stress and into trust, or from having a good relationship into having a great relationship. This book is for you if you want to create deeper connections with your partner while identifying what is getting in the way of joy and intimacy.
Recent Comments