Last week, I read a great little piece on shaming other parents, and why we shouldn’t do it. I nodded in agreement the whole time – we never know the whole story. If you see a mom on her phone, don’t assume she is neglecting her children. If you watch a dad stop to talk to another dad instead of watching the child on the bike, don’t assume he’s ignoring the kid.
When you see a child in dirty clothing, or without a coat in the cold, don’t immediately cry neglect – you don’t know the whole story, and we should always respond with compassion for one another. I watched a video about a mom with a toddler melting down in the grocery store, and the vlogger talked about responding with love, because we’ve all been there. Both of these pieces touched my heart. I think it’s our duty as citizens of the world to support one another, especially with the every day hard stuff. But sometimes, it’s better to go in a different direction.
This past week, my family and I were on our Spring Break vacation. One evening, I took 3 of the kids to Lava Hot Springs here in Utah for a night-time soak in the pools. If you’ve been there, you know that there are 2 pools in the main area that are close to one another, with some tables and chairs around for those not in the water.
We arrived, and as I waited for a couple of the children to join me, a mother and her teenager (we later learned he was 14) came out into the area from the big blue building. She was talking in what I call the “low level venom” voice – you know the one we sometimes resort to, when we are really upset with our child who isn’t listening, and seems determined to be a brick wall of resistance. I didn’t think much of it when I heard her say “you need to go sit down NOW,” because we had no idea what was going on, why she was upset, why he was resisting her, etc. But my capacity to ignore it didn’t last long.
By now, the 11 and 16 year olds were in the pool with me, and mom is yelling at her teen from the hot pool. Which means that everyone in the pools is now witnessing this exchange.
It goes something like this:
Mom: “I TOLD YOU TO SIT DOWN!”
Son: “The chairs are wet.” (valid point, it had been raining all day)
M: “Then find a dry one!”
S: “they are all wet.”
M: “Then sit on a wet one! You don’t even deserve a dry chair!”
He doesn’t respond. I’m irritated, both because of the yelling and because it’s about 40 degrees out, the last thing this kid needs is wet pants in the cold. By now, mom has gotten out of the pool, and is still yelling. She yanks his book and bag from him, grabs him and tries to force him into a chair. He eventually sits in a different chair. She looses it.
Now, anyone who knows anything about parenting or teenagers knows that by choosing a different chair, this boy is just trying to find SOME way to exert some autonomy over his situation. She wanted him sitting, he’s sitting.
Can we be done with this? Apparently not. Mom now grabs teen, tries to yank him from chair. She takes his things, leaves the area, while screaming at him “THAT’S IT! You don’t even have a place to stay anymore! You can sleep outside tonight!”
Teen glares after her.
Alright. My children and I are annoyed beyond all measure. I am literally ready to go over and offer him a place to stay, I’m that annoyed.
Rule #1 in parenting: never make a threat that you can’t follow through with. Sure, she’s going to leave her child outside in freezing rain all night… she’s full of it, and he knows it. I’m ready to get up and go talk to the teen, when I notice his 2 younger brothers come over to him. One is about 10, the other is 5. The 10 year old starts talking/yelling at him the same way (voice, body posture, even language) that mom did, and the 5 year old tries to hit him before jumping back into the water.
I’ve always said if you want to know how parents talk at home, listen to how the siblings deal with one another. This event is not a one-time, mom just got overly frustrated event. These are the voices and words these boys are used to. These are the ways they have learned to treat one another.
A few moments later, mom comes out, and gets into the cooler pool with her 2 other children. Everyone at the pools has relaxed a bit, now that the yelling has stopped. I’m hoping that the time to cool off has given them both some space, and that eventually we will see some sort of reconciliation. I’m funny that way – I expect the best from people. But that’s not what happened.
Some time later – maybe 15 minutes – we start hearing yelling again. Teen has gotten up after some exchange that we couldn’t hear, and is heading back towards their room. Mom yells “I don’t know where you think you’re going, you don’t even have a place to stay anymore!”
Teen turns and glares, “I’m going to get my stuff.” “You can’t have your stuff, you’ll just have to freeze.”
OK, now I’m done. I have stood up in the pool, I’m on my way to the stairs to get out and talk to this mother. This is enough on so many levels. The most basic is that there are people here to relax and enjoy the pools. At the deepest levels, this woman is creating more and more distance in her relationships with her son, who needs her more than ever at this difficult time of development. My own children are SO uncomfortable and anxious. This needs to stop. And that’s when it happens.
Mom is marching towards/past us. And says, TO MY KIDS “The 5 year old just said I should whip the 14 year old’s butt. What do you think about THAT, kids?”
Oh no, she didn’t. This mother, who is being hateful, mean, and controlling with her teenager, just tried to get 2 of MY children to side with HER against this boy, in a public place no less? No. Just, NO.
So I said, with a whole lot more venom in my voice than I had heard come from hers even in the worst moments of this whole evening, “I do NOT believe in hitting children, so we are NOT going to be weighing in on that one.”
And I said it loudly, so loudly that several heads turned from the furthest pool, not to mention every head in the pool we were in. And I said it with so much hatred that it shocked even me. And my first thought was “Good, she needs to know how her kid feels right now.”
Mom is shocked, too. She doesn’t say another word. She leaves the pool area with the teen.
10 minutes later, she comes back and says something to the younger boys, and they gather their things and leave. We don’t see her again until much later, when we return from pools on the other side of the building, at which time she sees me and leaves again. We see the teen once again later, when he has changed into pajamas, and is looking around the pool area for something he forgot. My 11 year old says “Well, at least we know he’s alive,” and my heart breaks.
So yes, I publicly humiliated this mom. However, I don’t think it’s one of those moments when it would have been better to suspend judgement and chalk it up to a bad moment. Unfortunately, I also know the dynamics of abuse, and that it is quite likely that this may have simply enraged the mother even more. Which is why I also went to speak with the night clerk at the inn, and let them know I was concerned about this boy, and would she please keep an eye/ear out for him.
Ideally, my response may have made the mother stop and think about how she was talking to her child. More than likely, she made the completely ill-informed decision that I was one of those permissive parents who don’t hit their kids, so my kids are all spoiled brats who don’t respect me. Which of course couldn’t be further from the truth, accept for the part about me not hitting my children. But if NOTHING else good came from this, I know one thing: that boy heard me loud and clear.
He heard me say that it’s wrong to hit children, and that I had HIS back if nothing else. Another good thing that came from it, was the amazing conversation I had with my 3 children afterwards, in which they all expressed how awful they thought this mother was being, and how they want nothing more than to be respectful parents to their own children in the future. And that, in the end, is what I will cherish most from that evening in the hot springs.
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