“I just feel like he never shows me he loves me! He says it all the time, but I never really SEE it in his actions, you know?”
I heard this from a client just last week. It’s such a common experience in couples that it almost didn’t register for me that what she was really saying was “he isn’t expressing his love in the ways that speak to me.” Fortunately, this client was familiar with Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, and could easily identify that what she really wanted to experience was quality time & acts of service from her partner.
As we looked at her spouse’s love languages, they seemed to be centered in gifts & words of affirmation. No wonder she didn’t FEEL love – they were basically speaking two different languages!
When I explain Chapman’s work to clients, I have them take this test before we get too deeply into a discussion. It’s free and will give you a quick insight into the ways that you best express and experience love. Essentially, Chapman suggests that there are five common ways that we express love to others (and feel most loved when it’s expressed this way to us). So much has been written on this topic, but it’s worth looking at the 5 common love languages.
Words of Affirmation
People who express love through Words of Affirmation are those who never forget to say I Love You. They compliment others authentically, are the first to say congratulations when you do something great. They are also the people who light up when they hear compliments from others. They would rather receive a well-written letter than an expensive gift.
Ways to express Words of Affirmation when it isn’t your language: remember to say thank you! Take the time to notice what your partner is doing and speak with them about it. Compliment your children in ways that they know what you love about them. Tell your co-workers what a great job they are doing.
Gifts
Gift people love both giving and receiving gifts. It doesn’t have to be big, expensive, show-stopping gifts either! In fact, most gift people prefer small, thoughtful gifts. People who express love with gifts will bring you something from their recent travels that made them think of you. They will wear the hand-made scarf that you gave them every day because it’s so meaningful to them.
Ways to express love with gifts: when you are out during the day, spend an extra 2-3 dollars on the special item at the grocery store that your partner loves. Take the time to find out what your child really wants for the birthday, and work to make it happen. Bring food or small items to work for your co-worker who always seems to have something for you.
Acts of Service
You know those people who are always doing things like shoveling your driveway, holding doors open, giving you a great shoulder rub, or doing the dishes at other people’s homes? Those people express love through acts of service. They do things without being asked (though they should be asking before that shoulder rub!), and they absolutely love it when you do nice things for them. These people often do volunteer work and are the ones we call on when we need help.
Ways to express love through acts of service: take on chores that you know your partner doesn’t care for. Help your child with things when they ask, even if they are capable of doing it themselves. Go the extra mile for your co-worker – don’t just give them the report you promised, but make sure it’s already formatted and ready for them to use.
Quality Time
Quality time can look different for different people, but for people who express this as one of their love languages, you will notice that it fills their cup each time you are together doing something important. For some, that may mean watching their favorite movie with them, while for others it means gardening side-by-side. Usually, it involves activities that are meaningful and include conversation, bonding, and focused.
Ways to express love through quality time include turning off your electronics when you are together, following your child’s lead through playtime, and the simple act of talking with a co-worker during lunch.
Physical Touch
This is the easiest one to explain – physical touch people love touch! They love hugs, and holding hands, and a good massage, and sex. They feel loved when you put your hand on their arm when talking to them, or sit cuddled together on the couch. It isn’t always easy to express love through touch if you aren’t a touch person, but in your close relationships, it can be important. Make a point of hugging & kissing your partner goodbye when one of you leaves the house, give your children lots of hugs, kisses, and cuddles, and if it’s appropriate (and you have consent), hug your co-workers – or at least shake their hands! Touch folks often get drained during the normal workday, and even a hand on a shoulder can be a huge gift.
Part of knowing your own love languages is asking for what you need. If you have a partner with different languages than your own, a straight conversation about what each of you wants from the other can make a huge difference. When we take responsibility for getting what we want in a relationship, we are more likely to get it! It takes practice to express love in ways we aren’t used to, but the more you put into your relationships, the more satisfying they become. If you would like to learn more about 5 Love Languages, you can read more about Chapman’s work here. If you would like to speak to our counselors or coaches about the ways we can support you having extraordinary relationships in your life, contact us today to schedule a free 30-minute consultation call.
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