A family tradition for Thanksgiving Dinner often includes going around the table to express gratitude – for the food, for our families, and for the blessings we have experienced throughout the year. It’s a wonderful experience to hear what each guest at the table appreciates. Some families even write these down and display them in various ways – Dr. Jen’s family creates a “gratitude tree” covered in leaves with each person’s words on them.
Unfortunately, most couples don’t make a daily practice of expressing their thanks for one another. The act of acknowledging your partner can seem awkward when you are facing an ongoing disagreement, and some days “thanks for doing the dishes” might be the only authentic thing you can think of. Here are a few tips to help you express your gratitude every day, and not just at Thanksgiving dinner.
Create a Daily Practice
Most couples have a time of day during which they are usually together – it might be when you wake up or are going to bed, at the dinner table, or even in the few moments of handing over childcare duties as one gets home and the other goes to work. If your lives are so busy that you can’t find one specific time, consider sending a daily text or email with your acknowledgment to one another. Whatever works for you is great – there is no right way to do this! Promise each other that at a certain time each day (or within a certain window) you will acknowledge one another for at least one thing. Do this for a specified time – a week, a month, until the end of the year. If you forget, apologize and move forward.
Make the Acknowledgements Authentic
There are days when you feel thankful for your partner, and days you don’t. However, if you really look, there is usually SOMETHING you could honestly say thank you for, however big or small. In John & Julie Gottman’s recent book, “8 Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” there is a list of 99 things that you can acknowledge about your partner – things you cherish them for. Not all will be true to you, but using this PDF you can find a myriad of things that can become simple thanks to express.
Keep it Simple
Gratitude doesn’t have to look like a long list of pointing out everything your partner has done. In fact, that can be problematic, as s/he might think instead of all the things you DIDN’T notice or include in your list! Instead, a simple acknowledgment such as “thank you for everything you did to keep our home running today,” or “thank you for going to work each day to make sure we are financially stable,” can be much more effective. Of course, if there is something special or difficult that you noticed, it makes a difference to have that seen. “Thank you for juggling a sick child with everything else you accomplished today,” and “Wow, that meeting you sat through sounds awful, thanks for enduring it!” validates your partner’s experience and shows that you empathize with the difficulties of their day.
What to Do if it’s One-Sided
For some couples, the idea of creating a gratitude practice together is daunting. The distance between you may make it feel impossible. It’s totally fine to do this without having your partner participate. While it may feel lonely to be the only person expressing your thanks, it is highly likely that by doing so, your partner will eventually begin to do so as well. Even if they don’t, the expression of your gratitude will leave them feeling honored and seen, and that alone is guaranteed to bring you closer.
Don’t leave your thanks for a once-a-year tradition. By cherishing your partner each day you provide a space for each of you being known and acknowledged. The daily things we do for one another and for our families will no longer go unnoticed, and we will receive thanks for the special things we do. Bring gratitude into your daily life and you will see your relationship bloom!
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