We all know the stereotypes of teenagers – they are moody, they sit alone in the dark, and they want nothing more to do with their parents. It’s true that hormonal changes, brain development, and a growing sense of independence can push our teens away from us, but the teen years don’t have to be filed with disconnection, slammed doors, and silence.
Here are 10 suggestions and ways to keep your teenager connected, communicating, and involved in family life. Ultimately, every person and every family is different. You will need to experiment to see what works for you.
- Find time to talk to them every day.
Even if the conversation is short, the daily connection is key. If you have a REALLY resistant teen, text them. For some, replying to text is easier than a face-to-face conversation.
- Never stop saying “I love you.”
Teens often don’t want to hear it, but they also really need to know that your love is unconditional. Learn your teen’s love language, and express love that way – through words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, or acts of service.
- Set clear rules for your household, and include them in making those rules.
Like toddlers, teens need to know exactly what is, and what is not, OK. They may push those boundaries, but that’s part of growth. And, because we expect teens to be more responsible, it’s important that they get to help create the rules.
Learn More About Creating Rules with Your Children
- Create a safe space for your teen – and honor it NO MATTER WHAT.
Teens need to know that you are still there to keep them safe. That may look like picking them up at 2am from a sleepover or party where others are making questionable choices. It might also look like listening to your teen telling you about something they did that really upsets you. While there may be consequences to the choices later, in the moment it’s critical to remain neutral, listen, and support their big feelings.
- Create an occasional “amnesty” conversation.
From time to time, sit down with your teen (or your whole family if you prefer!) and make space for everyone to say whatever they need to say, with a promise of no punishments or consequences. Give them the chance to ‘come clean’ about rules they have broken, things they have done that are questionable, etc. No matter what, these admissions must be met with nothing but listening and support. It can be hard, but it will make a huge difference in your relationship.
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- Every teen needs household responsibilities.
It’s more effective to ask your teen what they want to be responsible for than to assign tasks without their input. It’s also best to discuss with them BEFORE there are problems, what the guidelines and consequences of those jobs will be. That way, your teen is not only agreeing to do the chore but also agreeing to any consequence that comes with not doing it.
- Let your teens make mistakes.
One mistake that parents make is creating more and more control as a means to keeping their teens out of trouble. We aren’t suggesting giving your teen free reign, but if you create rules that feel stifling, your teen is more likely to sneak around and defy them. When you create safe boundaries and allow them some freedom, they are more likely to feel trusted and stay out of trouble.
- Express your feelings without anger or judgment.
Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than yelling, nagging, and complaints. You may need to take yourself out of the room to calm down before being able to do this, but if you can say “I felt really angry when…” instead of yelling when you’re mad, your teen is much more likely to keep coming to you when they have big things to say.
- Get interested in their interests.
Listen to their music, watch their movies, play their video games, read their books. You won’t always like them, but you’ll get windows into your teen’s life that aren’t available otherwise. And, it makes great conversation starters! “What did you like about that song?” can lead to a great talk about what your teen is dealing with in their life.
- Make your teen part of family activities.
Teens are often resistant to doing things with the family, especially if those activities are geared towards younger siblings or include a step-parent that they don’t connect with well. It’s OK to excuse them from some things, such as a park day with younger kids, but it’s even more important to make sure they participate in things like a younger sister’s birthday party. Find ways to make the activities inviting and inclusive for everyone. Asking what they would like to do together is a great way to get them involved.
There are many more ways to connect with your teen and maintain a close relationship. Don’t be afraid to try new things, and experiment with your teen to create something that helps your whole family.
What are your favorite ways to get your teens out of their rooms and into family life? Post them in the comments, or email us at thirdeyefamilysolutions@gmail.com. We would love to hear from you!
If you are struggling to keep your family connected, let’s talk. We offer a FREE 30-minute phone consultation to see if we can help empower your family to be magical!
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